Another post while drinking.

Now that initial part of what kind of mind set I'm in is out of the way, time for the main typing spammage of words and phrases to form my focus of ideas and what not for tonight!

Life.  It bytes!  So what to do?  I'm talking about socially.  Where does one who is a shut in through and through go to socialize that's offline?  I mean, its just the same old story.  Like someone online.  They want to be friends. Like someone else, friends.  Like another, end up screwing it up royally.  So where does one go?  I mean, half the time I just wish I could just curl up and wake up in a gender-bent body just to get something different going on.  Seems like most I know just want the fairer of the genders.  Funny how its called the fairer, when all the trouble lies there.  Easy way to get in trouble, make her cry.  Easy way to seem like a fiend, objectify them.  Easy way to seem like the villain claim to be the nice guy ranting out.

Wait a minute....  Seems I'm falling into that last statement's category.

Guess I am?  I don't know, don't want to care at the same time want to know, but will just try to ignore anything said to be about it cause I want to deny anything that's criticism towards me or anything of mine.  Part of the package of being a Scorpio  with pride right? Bleah, seems I've inherited the worst of the Scorpio traits.  Right down to the paranoia.

Fear of getting in trouble. Fear of being shunned. Fear of being hated. Fear of being alone. Fear of having nothing.  Fear of being nothing.

These fears ebb away at my thoughts.  My thoughts lined with reality, dealing with finances, work, co-workers, random people.  Thoughts lined with fantasy, desires, wishes, parodies, lusts, greed, pride, envy.

All in all, each person is their own worse critic.  Everyone at some point of time feels the same way.  They feel they are the worst.  The low of the low.  They feel low when they can't help those whom are closest to them. Low for night finding that spark with someone who shares the same passions they do.  Low for having guilt, even if its trivial.

Guilt. To have guilt, you have to know what something is right and not do anything right.  To have a what if gnaw at you making you fear.  A consequence for your actions.  To let something you've done or lack there of attack your mind's thoughts as something related to it comes up. Did you really help her cause you're her friend? Did you not say something cause you feel like you were gonna force something? Did you feel like if you acted on what you've felt you wanted, that it also was an ulterior motive behind it, to result of something in your favor?

Lows.  When we feel what we love, what we are, what we believe makes us the worst there is out there.  We enjoy this cause it makes us feel different, yet its so out there it makes us feel so different we're the worst out there.  Something we enjoy that gives us the feeling of guilt.  A high in action that's a low in reflection.

There's a few phrase I take to heart from FFXI during the City 5-2/Zilart Missions, one of which is, "People are capable of kindness beyond angels, yet we also commit sins that would put a demon to shame..."  Yes
I feel that's the truth.  At the same time, everything that seems to describe humans, describes their darkest traits.  
From Divine Might/ZM14
"You shall be defeated by the apathy that plagues you..." Ark Angel HM
"You shall be consumed by the cowardice that binds you..." Ark Angel TT
"You shall be twisted by the envy that drives you..." Ark Angel EV
"You shall be overwhelmed by the arrogance that disfigures you..." Ark Angle MR
"You shall be burned by the rage that controls you..."Ark Angel GK
Tell me of a time where when those traits, those chains, those vices didn't affect you.  Or tried to impaired your actions.
I doubt any person has been free from those chains.

Right now I feels as if my own actions will lead more into these lows.  That wanting to vent, that venting, is making it so I end up venting more upon reflection later.  What else could there be?  Is all we do, all the safeties we've placed, on ourselves and on society just causing a spiral?  Not like the Spiral of Death described in FFX's Spira, but still, everything does have a habit of coming full circle.  Is it cause we let it happen, either by choice or by the workings of our minds with the concepts of right and wrong let it happen without really trying to, or being aware we've let it happen?

How can we know we aren't doing something to set us up for our own fall?  Taking action to prevent lets to the cause we're trying to prevent.
What is it to have true freedom?  Is it to have true happiness?  What is true happiness?  Is it complete understanding of one's self within the quantum driven reality that is our lives?  Is it believing in a deity's plans?  Is it believing in that our action's are preordained to occur cause of the stars, or another object, creature or being's actions?

Why do humans cling to the ideas of their being a higher being?  Yet they themselves commit the evils that does put a demon to shame in the name of the deity's commands they are contradicting?
How come all that follows a teachings end up becoming what they're teaching against, or twisting its meaning into something evil that is 'good?'
Why do human kind depend on these? The idea of following teachings, of supreme beings? Is there no other way for groups of peoples to hold any sense of morals without them? To just follow laws that is completely human written without bringing another cause into the equation, therefore causing everything to occur that is ill and good?
How do we really determine good? Evil?
Why must it matter?  Why?

Brb, seems the shots effects are wearing off.
Back, well straight up Captian Morgan's isn't that bad.

So then.
Does anything really matter?  Or is it something to act as a coping mechanism in times of emotional stress?  Physical stress, its something that can be treated, but emotional, its always there.  Always something to trigger a breakdown.  Tears of joy of being proposed too.  Tears from learning a loved one is no longer around. Tears from passing a rite of passage.  Tears from learning a friend has X time left.

Does everything stem from those kinds of tears, to set the ground work that spiraled into what we call society today? Set in motion, using the idea of something that cannot be truly proven such as a deity in order to create a following, while instilling the fear of something terrible await from straying from a path?  And make the notion of following it leads to a just reward?

How would society change if it as a whole would completely abandon the very notion.  To purge the idea of it out of existence.  Would morals as we now it still be around?  Or would it just change to morals that are laws?

Morals.  They differ from one to another.  Many who are normal, share the majority of the same ones.  But in actuality, morals change as people do.

So what does stay the same with people if morals change?  Lie, cheat, deceive, instincts?  Are all what is considered immoral, what stay the same with society?  That no true good exists, cause it cannot be proven that it is good?  That all we believe or don't believe is truly an opinion therefore what is really good, what is evil is just opinions being right or wrong?
Right or wrong. More opinions.  What should be said was, proven fact, plausible, improbable or impossible.  That's what basically sums things up in terms of ideas of describing morality and belief systems.  Even this statement saying that is subject to those.

Time to change tangents.
What else is left within this shell I call a mind, that holds my thoughts?
All that there is is just my desires, my fears.

My desires, the strongest ones of late...

To be truly understood and loved.
Not as a friend.  Not as a lover.  But on the level that, if I were to be with you, you would be with me, despite what we believe or don't believe in. That we just choose to be with another because it seems the best options for our wants and needs.  To even be polar opposites and hate yet to be drawn to uncommon ground as if it was something called love.

To know that feeling of sharing the same breathe, the same moment.  To be a lover, even if its for the pleasure of it.

To know that feeling of being wanted.

To know the feeling that fears are not ruling, but passions are.

To know, what I do, or don't do, what does its effects have in the long run.

I do ask to whomever does actually ends up reading all of this, it may seem unsorted, unorganized, scatted, chaotic, vague, to please, post back what they take on these statements, to talk back as if these were directed at you.

Thank you.